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What mask did HIV cause you to remove or wear?

5 | October | 2011
Shawn

One of my favorite times of the year growing up was Halloween, which provided the yearly opportunity to dress up as one of my favorite monsters and wander the neighborhood bumming candy off friends and strangers alike. I only had a few more of those classic Halloweens after my HIV diagnosis at age 11, which in itself made me feel like somewhat of a monster, especially after some of my friends' parents cooled on the idea of having me in their homes. At times it seemed like Frankenstein, in all of his bumbling glory, probably would have been more welcomed than me.

Of all of my October dress-ups, my all-time favorite costume wouldn't be worn until I was 34, a good two decades past my life expectancy. In 2009, I attended the AIDS Walk Washington dressed as a giant lemon. On the front, it read: "Life Gave Me AIDS..." On the back it said: "And I Made LemonAIDS!" The Whitman Walker Clinic presented me with their annual Courage Award, which they give to someone living with HIV every year at the AIDS Walk. I won't lie- it took courage to wear and deliver a speech in front of thousands of people in that lemon suit. So I was thrilled that everyone I met enjoyed the joke, including the Mayor of Washington DC.

As a newly diagnosed kid, I could never imagine myself as an adult dressing up in that costume. I could have never imagined speaking out about being HIV positive, or even saying the word "AIDS", much less having it plastered across my chest. I would have sooner believed that I'd turn into that vampire I dressed up as when I was a kid than to grow into someone who is 100% comfortable in their own skin, which cleverly disguises the virus that resides below.

But I know a lot more these days. I know that I'm not a monster- and that the true demons stir about not on Halloween, but in the self-doubt that an HIV diagnosis can bring. And the trickiest thing about those demons is that they don't wait for one day a year to come out and play. I'm as happy that they are forever gone as I am saddened that I may never top that LemonAIDS costume for as long as I live!

See me give the speech in the LemonAIDS costume here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8r0STOsQkg

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Infected with HIV as a child through the contaminated blood products used to treat his hemophilia, Shawn learned early in life about discrimination. Within a month of testing positive for the virus, he was kicked out of the 6th grade. By all accounts, he wasn’t expected to live five years. During his freshman year of high school, he met his favorite band, Depeche Mode, through The Make-A-Wish Foundation, and lived to see graduation. At age 20, he opened up about his life with HIV after a decade of silence, creating one of the first "poz blogs" in 1996. After humorously describing his life, he caught the attention of Poz magazine and began writing a column entitled "Positoid", a word he created as a way to describe himself as someone living with HIV.

In 2006, his memoir, My Pet Virus: The True Story of a Rebel Without a Cure, was published by the Penguin Group. Today, Shawn is happily married to his wife partner, Gwenn Barringer, and the two speak together as a couple, educating about how they keep her HIV-free in their safe and healthy relationship. (Hint: condoms.)

In his spare time, Shawn drinks iced mochas and fronts a synthpop duo, Synthetic Division. In 2010, he released a CD to commemorate the twenty-year anniversary of his dying wish to meet Depeche Mode. He lives with Gwenn in Charlottesville, Virginia.